W.C.Fields……..best one liners

Many years ago I became a fan of WC Fields and his propensity to dispense extremely funny (and at times vicious) one liners…………he was a notorious womaniser and his weakness for drink was legendary. Try and catch him in any of the films he made with Mae West who was equally legendary for one liners e.g. “a hard man is good to find” and “its not the men in my life, but the life in my men”

I offer up some of WC Fields best one liners, I hope they bring a little smile to your face…………..

If at first you don`t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There`s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it (this is the polite version of what he allegedly said).


I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

My illness is due to my doctor`s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I`m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake–which I also keep handy.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven`t had a cold in years.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Women are like elephants. They are interesting to look at, but I wouldn`t like to own one.

The only thing a lawyer won`t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

Children should neither be seen nor heard from…ever again.

Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

Wouldn`t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?

When asked why he never drank water: “I`m afraid it will become habit-forming”

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